Why Do I Let Him In My Head?

Just when I was starting to feel upbeat and optimistic, my ex called.

I was really feeling more positive about making items to sell, searching affiliate links for my blogging (but only ones I approve of! I am picky!), working on a book, and working on my children’s book series I came up with years ago. My oldest son strongly encouraged me to really throw myself into my writing and crafting. He made me feel so good about my talent. He might be biased, but he is honest too. He’ll tell you if he thinks something is a crap idea. He didn’t have pompoms and do a cheer either.

I was talking about blogging and explaining how upset I am that I can’t make money working on blogging like I had hoped. He nonchalantly said, “You should really get back into writing those kid’s names books. They are awesome and a pretty cool idea.” with an affirming nod.

Coming from my son who responded with “Huh. M’kay” with barely an emotion showing when the doctor announced he was running tests for cancer; this small head bobbing, raised eyebrows, and semi-smile with a look of slight enthusiasm, was the equivalent of a cheer-leading squad followed by a marching band when it comes to enthusiasm from him.

But then my ex called and started telling me about the companies that want to hire him, all his job interviews, and generally how wonderful he is. Then goes into his lecture of “You need to get a job. You need to find a way to make an income. You need to…” and I just feel like shit about myself. I mentioned writing the books and he’s all “well, you need something you can do and make money now.” and goes down a list of suggestions. Most of them I can’t do. I can’t answer phones, hearing problem! I am not the best editor or critique person. And on and on. so I told him I’d be making craft items to sell and he said I needed to think about serious ways of making money.

Well, gee! Sorry I am not a skilled professional like you are. Sorry I can’t do all the cool and awesome things you do. Sorry I don’t have recruiters beating down my door. What do you want from me? A miracle? It’s not happening.

And I know I shouldn’t let him get me down, but I do. And it’s depressing to just sit there and think about all my limitations. I am trying to focus on what I CAN do. Not what everyone else can do that I can’t.

Why do I allow him to do this to me? I need to focus on ME! Not what he thinks of me! My therapist would be proud!