I am starting to feel more alive now. I went through my exhausted phase again where I sleep so much I lose track of time. WOW! Is it the END on April??? WTF? Where did my time go? Oh yea, I slept it away.
I really wish a doctor would figure out what the hell this is so I can have a normal life… or at least so that people won’t think I am just being lazy. That would be awesome. Most of my friends know I can’t help it. I love them.
I got two packets of papers to fill out from disability. It took me a week to finish filling them out. Mostly because I had a panic attack when I saw all the questions. And I had to describe what I do all day from the time I get up until I go to bed. I had a nice cry one night while no one was around. It was humbling, to say the least.
Usually, I wear my smile and tell everyone I am doing great. Usually, I try my damnedest to do everything myself. This last week, I came face to face with reality… and I didn’t really like it. My roommate and my oldest son ended up helping me fill out the paperwork because I kept saying “I think I do okay with making food.” Then I got the reply, “Uh-huh. Sure you do. When was the last time you made a full meal like you used to? How long did it take you to make biscuits and gravy?” Yea, that was honest right there, but it makes me feel so low about myself. And if you are wondering… 10 days. It took me 10 days to make biscuits and gravy. Not even kidding!
But, now I wait patiently and see if I actually get on disability or if I can plan on moving into my van. No stress there… at all. *sighs*
AND THEN… Did you know you can burn your esophagus?
Yes, you can! So my youngest son made a pot of chicken (and his chicken is GOOD) and served it on a bed of rice. Oh my my! It looked so good and I hadn’t eaten anything that day because I was hurting so bad I didn’t leave my chair. I mixed the chicken and sauce into the rice, took a spoonful… I should mention that my son makes it “mom-friendly”. The chicken is so tender I don’t have to chew it. A few smashes with the tongue and down it goes. Did I mention it was straight off the pan?
Oh yes, I put straight-off-the-hot-stove food into my mouth. I went to smash it when I realized it was WAY TOO HOT! and I went to spit it out. Instead, I swallowed the flaming hot piece of chicken WHOLE! It burned ALL THE WAY DOWN! I have never felt such pain before. My eyes watered before I started crying. I chased it with ice-cold water and it felt okay. Then I let the food cool before I finished it. I thought all was okay until the next day.
I woke up and it hurt SO BAD to swallow. It felt like my esophagus lining was sloughing off when I ate anything with any amount of viscosity and then getting stuck in my throat. I knew I couldn’t just not eat so I drank juices and ate very soft foods. Baby food sweet potatoes (stage 1) were too thick for me. Don’t kid yourself thinking that juice was any better. I could feel every bit of my esophagus as it ever so slowly slid down my esophagus… like it was peeling it open as it went.
Now, usually, I don’t cry in front of people. I am very proud. I was raised that if you need to have a good cry, do it in your room or the bathroom. But while you are out in public, you hold your head high with dignity and respect. And that day, I totally failed in that aspect. I managed to swallow one teaspoon of food at a time and cried like a baby while doing it.
It was interesting to explain to the emergency room staff. They gave me a GI cocktail to numb my esophagus so I could try to eat baby food. I inhaled the next container of sweet potatoes. I was so hungry I would have eaten the spoon if I thought it wouldn’t hurt.
Now, I have viscous lidocaine to coat my throat. I am up to very mushy foods or anything slick, like avocado. I had hard-boiled eggs today, COLD, and made some mushy rice cereal too.
Don’t get me wrong, I love juice. But a solid week of juices (apple juice, sweet potato pie juice, carrot juice, celery juice) and I will take any mushy food over juice! Well, off to drink my blueberry pom juice.
I’ll try to post more this week.