Chronic Illness Bingo!

I found something that made me laugh today. It’s Chronic Illness Bingo posted by Invisible Illnesses and Disability Approval on Facebook. Here is the photo/game… and then I will go through all the one’s I have had said to me…

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HAHAHA! I love it! And every one of my friends who have autoimmune disorders or chronic illnesses will totally get this! Okay, now let’s play “How many have you heard, Dotchi?” Green titles are YES… Red titles are NO.

“You need to get out more.” 

Heard it. Now answer me this… why do I want to get out more when getting out at all throws me into a long sleep cycle? You guys know where I live. Come over and visit.

“Are you getting enough sleep?” 

Wow. That was quick. I thought they’d all be green. Amazingly, this is NOT one I hear. Usually it’s “My gawd, Woman! Are you ever awake?” Yes, I am. Sometimes.

“You sleep too much” 

Oh, let me sing you the song of my people!

“You don’t Look sick.”

I do hear this one sometimes. Not often though.

“Positive Thinking”

You bet! And if positive thinking actually worked, I would be better. I was so positive that I got called delusional. Now, I am just realistic.

“My friend was cured by…”

Yep, I have heard this too. There are so many “cures” that I could write a book on all the cures. Prayer, exercise, drinking wine, drinking whiskey, swimming in cold water, swimming in warm water, massage, biking, soaking in the sun for XX minutes every day, drinking more water, drinking my own piss (which, oddly enough, I have NOT tried), jumping, sex, fasting for a month, and on and on…

“Yesterday you [insert thing you did]. Why can’t you do it today?” 

Oddly enough, I haven’t gotten this one.

“Have you tried…”

Probably have. Except drinking piss. I have my boundaries. If you smelled my pee, you would understand. Plus, being happily medicated, it’s actually not safe to do. (See. I researched it.)

“You need to exercise.”

I do. When I am conscious, amazingly enough, I do exercise. I know I don’t go to a gym and log 20 miles on a treadmill, but I do exercise. I know. Shocking. Right?

“I wish I had time to take a nap.”

Yea. I get this one a lot. My advice? Then take a nap.

“You should try this diet…”

Let me tell you about diets. If I had a dime for every time someone tried to persuade me to try a diet because it would cure me; I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. I could easily own the planet.

“Oh, I get that too.”

I am sure you do. Yes. Everyone gets a symptom or two occasionally. It’s when the medical dictionary shits every symptom contained within it onto your head, that it becomes a problem. That is a bit of an exaggeration. But for every “tummy discomfort” you have, try running a grappling hook through your insides and then tell me about it. And next time you say “tummy discomfort”, you will understand why I say, “That is so adorable!”

“Are you trying hard enough?”

If I could punch someone in the face for every time I have heard this, they wouldn’t be able to use dental records to identify the person that I beat into an unrecognizable bloody pulp. I am a little bitter about that one.

“Dr. Oz Says…”

Dr. Oz also says, “Relationships need to keep growing and partners should positively influence each other.” See! I can quote Dr Oz too! Do you think harassing me is positive?

I saw an episode of Dr Oz that explains the dangers of Epidural Steroid Injections and the damage that one can inflict on a person… and could any one of you be bothered to share that with me BEFORE Dr Dumbasfuck ruined my back permanently? No.

“I wish I didn’t have to work.”

Well, since we are wishing… Do you wish you could have fatigue so bad that you wake up days later and have to reorient yourself? Do you also wish that you could have sharp piercing pain every single day of your life? Do you also wish you had to have a special chair to stand you up because you can’t stand up by yourself sometimes? Do you wish you had to depend on everyone to do everything for you? Do you wish your teeth could fall out? Do you wish a seizure could ram your teeth through your gums so that you could come to with a bloody mouth?

I too, one time, years ago, said I wished I had a mundane life. Be careful what you wish for. Poverty and incurable pain isn’t a dream come true. Mundane? Yea. But that isn’t what I meant.

“It could be worse.”

Don’t even get me started. I know I am lucky that it isn’t worse. But that doesn’t make the days where I curl up in a ball and cry because the pain is too much any more desirable.

“Just push through it.”

SO much easier said than done. I tell you what… strap a knife point-first into your back. Now, every time you move, the knife will get crammed into your back more… and just for good measure, at random points an anvil will swing from across the room and crash squarely into your back. Now, no complaining. No crying. Just push through it. Okay?

“It’s made up by big pharma.”

Right. Okay. Do people know how stupid they sound when they tell someone who is in chronic pain that, basically, their pain is made up for drug companies to make a profit off of? I, one day long ago, actually thought that too. It is coming to bite me squarely in the ass.

“You should stop blablabla”

And people should stop. Period. Just stop.

“Are you better yet?”

Weird. I haven’t heard this one yet. Most people know this is permanent though.

“You’re just stressed.”

Yea, it’s called no income. It’s called “possible homelessness”. It’s called “I can’t pay my bills and collectors are blowing up my phone.” That is more stressful than any medical issue.

“I haven’t heard of that. Is it real?”

No. I am just making shit up off the top of my head for my own amusement.

“You have that because…”

And boy are they creative with this one. Because I secretly hate myself. Because I really want to go camping. Because I am lazy. Because I have no goals in life (well, not anymore!)

“You take too many medications.”

This and it’s sister… “Are you abusing those? Cuz you take a lot of meds.”


A couple more I have heard…

“If you would wear your CPAP mask, you wouldn’t sleep so much.” 

Well, I do wear it. And I take it off in my sleep. I also can’t afford a new mask to try each week (remember, no income.) And I tend to sleepwalk so the mask isn’t staying on for long. Plus… do you know anyone with sleep apnea who falls asleep on Friday and wakes up on Sunday BECAUSE of sleep apnea. I haven’t met ONE. I have been looking though.

“You should just get on disability.”

I am trying. Apparently, if you really are disabled, you can’t get on disability without fighting for it. I’ve met people who got it instantly because… I guess it was a slow day at SSDI office? It really gets to me some days! I see people who could use it, even more than me, and they can’t get on. I also met one guy who got on it because, as he said, he is too lazy to work and he knows how to milk it. Really? He gets on it in two months and I fighting for a year!? The anger… I can’t express it in words. There aren’t enough cuss words.


Now I am curious… What are some that you have heard?

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