50 Questions: The Biggest Lie I Get Away With Every Day

What was that one time you told a huge lie and kinda got away with it?

Can I be real for a minute here? Usually I work hard at not lying. Ask for something factual and I will tell you the answer as factually as I can. Ask for my opinion and you will get it whether you like it or not. I’ve lost friends from this.

I did finally think of a big one I get away with a lot though.

“I’m fine.”

When people ask me how I am doing, I don’t know if it’s social training or what… but I say, “I am fine.”, smile, and ask how they are. I say this even when I am sad, depressed, or having a lot of anxiety.

It’s not that I am intentionally lying. It’s just that saying “I am fine” is so much easier than being honest. Who really wants to hear, “Horrible! I am so stressed from no income, no one will hire me, and I have no idea how I am going to survive with all this pain and the epilepsy… and I really miss driving!”

I really don’t think anyone wants to actually hear how I am really doing … but, I also can’t think of a way to say, “Life sucks but I keep slogging along.”

backstab-t-shirt

Mind if a ramble for a minute? Well, I am going to anyway. 

There are days, like the other day, where depression just knocks me down for the count and I find it impossible to do anything. I cry a little every day. It’s not that I need medication, it’s just that I was a lot more excited about life before Dr. Douche reminded me of how little value I have. I STILL have a hard time with that. I mean, if that is how other people see me, how much worth do I really have? Am I really just the crazy person that doesn’t deserve a say so in her life? Is that really how people see me?

Little things like that will send me in depression quickly. I really don’t feel I have much self-worth. I know other people love me and think I am amazing and talented. I do not though. And every time I start to feel like that, some asshole comes along that reminds me how delusional it is to think of myself as anything other than dirt.

I fully understand that this is a form of society ideology that I am imposing on myself. I get that. But after years of being put down and ridiculed for so long, trying to love yourself if very hard. It really doesn’t take much to remind me how low I feel on the totem pole of life. There are all the animal guides that show… then there is me. I am the one under the dirt that no one sees.

This is how I see myself. Why? Because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never get anywhere in life. Because I am so depressed lately that the only thing I get remotely excited about is planning my homelessness. I should really write a post about that.

Every day I am reminded of how hard it is to get anything done because I hurt so bad. Every day I struggle to feel alive. Every day I look at my house and wish I could get up and organize or rearrange just a little and I know I can’t and never will be able to again. Every day, lately, I have cried a little because I either hurt too much or I feel hopeless.

I can’t force myself to feel joy about anything anymore because when I do, I feel pretentious. I almost feel like if I have a good day, someone is going to knock me back in my place.

Even when I am poor, it’s like I have to actively be poorer just to make others happy. Since I am on food stamps (something that kills my soul a little every day) people flip out if I have a cell phone. No matter that I paid for it and my ex keeps it on for me. I should wear rags and sit on the corner with a little tin cup shaking what little change I got from passing strangers. Society views on poverty are truly fucked up.

I almost feel like I would feel better about myself if I was homeless and living in my van. I wouldn’t be asking for anything. I wouldn’t be bothering anyone. I would be able to live off the food stamps I have each month. Or not. I would have to work on that. If I was homeless, I wouldn’t have to worry about rent. I could be self-sufficient so anything I sold that I made would be income, not just throwing it towards things I can’t even begin to afford.

But, I digress. I really do not feel good about who I am anymore. I was doing a lot better before Dr Douche decided to remind me how low I am on the totem pole. Up until he decided to show me what a worthless piece of trash I am, I was actually feeling hopeful.

I know that is delusional thinking. Anytime I start to think positive, I am put down for it. So I do get that. I have had “delusional” hurled at me more than once. I know positive thinking is delusional thinking. I’ve heard it so many times. It drove my ex crazy that I would think positive.

But being depressed all the time sucks too. I don’t know how to balance it out. If I am too positive, I am delusional. If I am firmly based in reality and openly accept it, I am depressed. Where is the happy medium?

Now… do you really want to know how I am? Because I can totally tell you.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “50 Questions: The Biggest Lie I Get Away With Every Day

  1. Hmmmm. I hear what you’re saying and I totally relate. I completely empathise and actively hate with you, the struggle of “minding your mind”. It’s exhausting trying to change your thoughts and stay positive and look on the bright side and question absolutely everything you say, think, feel and do because you have a condition like depression.
    It’s EXHAUSTING and only those that have experienced it can understand you, but we’re out here.

    Whoever the knobs were that called you delusional can go take a long walk off a short pier. I’m sorry if those people were important to you, because it’s even harder coming from people you care about. They’re knobs though. Who says that? That’s quite the adjective to bandy about and it’s a load of rubbish. That’s the sort of thing hostile or defensive people with no experiences similar to your own say.

    Whatever you can get excited about you need to hold onto that because that is what will get you through. Planning homelessness or kids or a good cup of tea, involve yourself in that because you need it right now.

    I could tell you all about how factual you’re actually being by feeling you’re so low on the totem pole – because the facts aren’t there to back it up – however I know how you’re feeling so I know those words can be hollow. You need support and love and someone to hold space for you. People to care and not to diminish what you’re going through. I am sending you lots of pain free squeezu hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I got all choked up reading this. Thank you. And yes, those people WERE important to me. They aren’t really anymore, well, except my ex. He still supports me but we have differing views on how you should view things.

      Liked by 1 person

      • There is a whole lot of people out there that do understand what you’re going through, or at least different people may understand different elements of it. I’ve definitely found that blogs and instagram really serve to help me feel like I’m part of a community, and we need that when the people in our lives in real life don’t get us. A lot of them are so offensive and hurtful when they don’t mean to be. Some people mean to be though and they definitely have to hit the road! Everything passes, it’s just getting to that point that’s hard! Play the long game, that’s what I tell myself when I’m not mired down in the bog of my life lol xo

        Liked by 1 person

      • That is why I like WordPress better. I feel a sense of community, of belonging. I connect to people here better. And it sucks in real life because my best friend moved. But I got to see her yesterday and we started making plans together so that made me feel great! Sometimes I just need a little bit of support. It was great to see it here 🙂 THANK YOU! And then to see it from my friend too… made my days so much better. Even though I cried, I feel a lot better now.

        Like

Comments are closed.