50 Questions: Asking for Advice

50 Questions: Ask For Advice.

I didn’t think I would think of anything for this 50 Questions post but I finally thought of something I can ask for advice from my readers! I’m warning you, there is a wall of text coming.

I have little to no appetite ever since May 2015. I got sick with a stomach bug just like everyone else. I recovered just like everyone else. The only difference was that I had no appetite.

I am not hungry. If I decided to wait until I was hungry to eat, I would starve to death because I am not hungry at all. I forgot what it feels like anymore.

I do eat. I make myself eat at least one meal a day. I use the term “meal” loosely here. I get thrilled when I hit over 1000 calories a day. I do watch my calories to make sure I am getting enough. Some days are better than others though.

The lowest day was 433 calories. I just could not eat that day. One bite and I wanted to hurl. Marijuana did help with the nausea but not my appetite. Which is weird because before I got sick, it helped with my appetite. It helps with the nausea but not the appetite.

Now it doesn’t help with appetite at all. It does everything else though. But when I eat, I take a bite or three and I cannot eat anymore. I feel so full it’s insane. It’s like eating a Thanksgiving meal and then trying to stuff one more plate full in before you burst. It really is that uncomfortable.

I WANT to eat though. I want to eat so badly. I want to pig out on a tortilla dinner. It’s a bit disheartening though. Today, I did make a tortilla meal with chicken and spaghetti sauce and cheese in a tortilla. I had Pepsi throwback (mostly for the calories at this point) and I managed to hit… wait for it…

1,212 calories for the day. That is it. There is no way I can force myself to eat more. I was full four bites into the meal. But I made myself eat it.

How am I doing now? Oh.. I bloat like hell to the point of being uncomfortable. I look pregnant. It feels like the food I ate four hours ago is just sitting there in a brick in my stomach.

TMI alert! WHOOP WHOOP! TMI ALERT!

If you are squeamish, look away! Or skip to the next set of big letters.

And the crazy part is, sometimes I poop totally undigested food! Yesterday, I was shitting whole black beans. I could tell the beef from the beans. It was definitely beefy shit if I ever saw beefy shit. I haven’t. This one was a first.

It doesn’t always come out all food like… I think the part that was the worse was when I ate chicken and brown rice one day (MONTHS ago). I shit chicken and brown rice that day. Like, there was no question about what came out. It was chicken puree and whole grains of rice. I was a little weirded out. It looked like a chicken and rice casserole. I will never eat chicken and rice casserole again.

TMI OVER! You can keep reading from here…

Anywhoodles, I feel bloated to the point that my gut hurts. I will feel this way for a while, either I will puke up the food I ate four hours ago (or more) or I will finally feel better in the morning but I sure the hell won’t want to eat anything.

I started this new thing. When I eat, I belch like I just ate a huge meal. And really, my meals are not huge. I have one meal a day, sometimes two. A toddler would fail to thrive on my diet.

I went to a GI doctor. It was the weirdest experience. I am not sure if it’s because Dr Vindictive put a fake mental illness on my chart or what, but it was like the guy was trying to pick a fight with me. I have never experienced that before. I had gone to him before this and he was always so respectful and nice. That last time, it was uncomfortable being in there, to the point that I don’t want to go back. Is he friends with Dr Vindictive or something? Damn.

He had tests run. They came back fine. He had a gastric emptying test done. That came back fine, although I need to write a letter to them. They said that I ate two slices of bread, jelly, and eggs. No I didn’t. I ate 3 bites of egg. That was it. That was all I had. It was the smallest “breakfast” I have seen. It’s like what I would eat at home.

Hey, guess what goes right through me… Eggs.

No really. If I am constipated, I drink milk or eat eggs. They clean me out quickly. Sorry no TMI warning on that one.

My stomach is emptying fine though. So YAY!

But… then why do I have no appetite? Why can’t I eat? I would ask to go back to the GI doctor but I am really uncomfortable with him now.

I doubt it is a mental thing or I would be overeating and pigging out on everything.

And I still don’t drop pounds. I am, on my home scale, weighing in at 229. *blush* Not something I usually tell anyone, but since I am asking for advice, I thought I would throw that in there.

My ideal weight is 170. So I have 60 pounds to lose. Meh, whatever. I don’t worry too much because even when I can’t make myself eat over 433 calories to 1,500 calories a day, my weight doesn’t fall off. Instead, I tend to gain a little, lose a little, gain a little, lose a little.

I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. All eating problems seem to not be taken seriously. The only one who seems really concerned is my psychologist who asked if I am eating. Yes, I am… sort of. There are some days I just can’t force myself to eat.

I am feeling the effects (affects?) of it also. I am so tired. I wake up feeling WIDE awake and wonderful and refreshed! After like two hours, I am taking a nap. Get up refreshed again, take a nap after two hours or so… again.

I have no idea what to say. Or if I should just wait until the doctor notices. I did just switch back to my old P.A. so he may not notice right away. I don’t want to ask for a new GI because it looks bad. I have had SO many bad experiences with specialists here. Maybe it is me? But I try to be polite, honest, and not act like an idiot, and to stand up for myself. I try to act like I have a brain. But when I do, I get shut down quickly. The specialist becomes rude and hostile. I’ve even had them storm out of the room. It leaves me sitting there thinking, “Do I stink? Did I say something offensive?”

Like, I really think I have a vibe that makes people want to hate me. Maybe that is what my problem is. I am  not from this area and I don’t share the mentality here (THANK GOODNESS or I would be dead) of do whatever the doctor tells you because they are Gods. I think some of them have great advice and do a good job. And other’s, I can’t see how they keep their license.

I don’t want to leave the area for medical care because I can’t afford to live anywhere else. I am failing to see why they aren’t figuring something out or why there is a lack of giving a damn though.

Just rambling here for a second… I think my severe Vitamin D deficiency is a clue here or a key to the mystery or something. I ate MORE Vitamin D supplemented foods (and took supplements that made me feel ill) and did what I could to get it to rise… even ONE point would have made me happy. Instead I went from 13 to 12 to 6. Something just isn’t right here.

Is it a malabsorption issue? Is it because of my liver disease (NAFLD)? Is it a nerve issue, like the vagus nerve or something? I have no idea. And I don’t really know what advice I am asking for… Like maybe the two things are coincidental. Or maybe there’s a link somehow. I don’t know. But I miss food.

I don’t want to move. I don’t want to have another bogus mental illness added to my chart either. I don’t want to seem like I am malingering. But I am at a loss.

I am afraid of the doctors and the hospital now. I realize I shouldn’t be, because one asshole doesn’t make them all assholes. But that is still in the back of my mind. I want to call and make an appointment to talk to my doctor (about other things too) but I go into the hospital, the walk-in clinic and I feel panic. I have anxiety. I can tell in my blood pressure. It’s always high when I go in now. But I don’t know how to overcome this. I like my P.A. Don’t get me wrong, I trust him. I just don’t trust the environment. And I panic just thinking about it. Hell, it’s been like that since Dr Vindictive decided to be an asshole. This isn’t a new thing.

It’s in my chart that I feel like no one listens to me. Well… maybe they should get a clue and do something about that.

Okay… I am done rambling. Offer your advice and suggestions.