Achievement! WordPress Anniversary.

Just got the notification today!

Stats — WordPress.com

Wow! Has it really been that long? I am making a cake to celebrate. But it will probably be tomorrow before I can post a picture. I have to make the cake first.

How long have you been on WordPress?

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50 Questions: Rumors – What You Think About Me Vs The Real Me

Who do people think you are, compared to who you really are?

I am not even sure where to start with this one. I live in a small town and I hear a lot of the rumors about me. I could write a list a mile long. Some of my “family” won’t talk to me because of their incorrect ideas about me. It hurts to hear sometimes. But, most of the time I just sit back, shake my head, and laugh it off.

I think of myself more like this…

OMG! A REAL Picture of ME!

I am starting to think other people think of me like this

Crazy Bitch

But really… this is me right here…

I got this pic at http://merrymusing.wordpress.com/2011/10/21/tired-from-work/
I found this pic here 

Here are some of the “best” rumors I have heard so far.

Rumor #1: I am a drug addict

My whole life, the only illegal drug I did was Marijuana. That’s right! I haven’t done anything else. I was always very careful about my use of Marijuana also. I used it for the first time on my 26th birthday. I had a migraine, no migraine medicine, and I was at a joint birthday party for me and J. I didn’t want to leave and no one could drive me home. T offered a joint as a birthday toke-n. I took it. My migraines didn’t come back for three months. For three months, I didn’t smoke again.

Yes, I use it as medicine. No, I don’t abuse it. Even today, with a medical marijuana card, I use it as a medicine. Why? Because I don’t like being high. That’s why I make tincture (to downgrade the THC to CBN) and take CBD oil (with like .94% THC). I like being in control of my actions.

So for all of you who say I am a pill popper, drug snorter, inject-ee (what do you call those?), or someone who is high all the time… get a hobby.

Rumor #2: I am an alcoholic

Yes, I am. Sort of. I am a recovered alcoholic.

I only drink with reckless abandon once a year, December 31 into January 1. Although I am rethinking that tradition. I am rethinking that tradition. If I do drink during the year, it is one cup of wine or one cup of candy cane (a delicious alcoholic drink) or something like that. I drink ONE drink. I haven’t had a drink since… I don’t know… it’s been months. I had a cup of wine.

While I don’t do AA or anything like that, I do control my drinking very strictly. I am not one who believes in the abstinence theory. While it may work for some, it is not for me. I go with a limited allowance. I don’t think a 12-step program would be good for me at all. I looked into it at one point but I am not okay with the idea of saying I am “powerless” to something. I am not powerless to alcohol. I very much control my behavior.

It’s the same for when I finally quit smoking. I had to break the addiction. Like I said before, I like being in control of my actions. I am weird like that. But I can also have one cup of wine and be happy with that for a while.

I substituted my drinking with… A HOBBY!

Rumor #3: I am a Lesbian

GEDSC DIGITAL CAMERA
Gay Pride! Go LGBTQIA!

First… a bit of a rant… Why does my sexual orientation matter to anyone? Who cares? It’s like you guys sit around picking out the gays, the lesbians, the – anyone who isn’t straight. Who cares? You say it like it’s a bad thing. What if I am a lesbian? Would it matter to you? Would it change me as a person? Would it make you like me less? If it does, I don’t need you as a friend.

The answer: I am a bi-romantic, bisexual – but leaning toward asexual 90% of the time. Go ahead. Think about that for a while. Since you have nothing better to do. Here is a wonderful idea for a hobby! Research sexuality and how it doesn’t matter to anyone else who you love and who you screw.

Rumor #4: I kidnapped my children when I moved to Montana

This one really hurts. It hurts more knowing that people out there believe this but didn’t bother asking me for my side of the story and instead went and spread it some more.

For those of you who didn’t spread this crap around, thank you for asking me so I could tell you my side of the story.

For the real story, I moved up here with my kids with my husband’s blessings. I knew I couldn’t leave California and move with them without it. I am not as stupid as people think I am. When I moved here, he knew – and agreed to it.

For those of you that spread this, fuck you. Get a hobby!

Rumor #5: I left my husband during a mid-life crisis

I swear… This one annoys me more than anything. After all I put up with and how I patiently waited for him to pull himself together. I don’t plan on roasting him on this blog though. We both had issues. But it wasn’t a “mid-life crisis” by any stretch of the imagination. We were not compatible as partners and I couldn’t stay anymore.

I realized that it was unhealthy to stay in the relationship and I didn’t want to raise my children in that toxic environment anymore. That toxic environment was not ONLY my fault and it was not ONLY his fault. It was OUR fault as neither of us really wanted to work on the real issues. WE were BOTH responsible for our marriage ending. No relationship is wholly one-sided.

We are now friends and co-parents and we work better this way. I realize now that we can never live together. We are not compatible house mates even though we are good friends. If you don’t understand this thinking, try to find that one friend that you love as a friend but would have serious issues if you had to move into their house with them. It is possible to be friends and not want to live with the person or have a sexual relationship with them. I know it may seem foreign to some of you.

If this causes you massive issues and you just can’t wrap your mind around it, GET A HOBBY!

Rumor #6: I am rich and don’t have to work

Oh how I WISH! That would be freaking AWESOME! I’ll let you know when the books come out so you can help me reach that goal. Thanks in advance for your support.

In the meantime, get a hobby!

Rumor #7: I am faking my epilepsy/ fibromyalgia and really don’t have them.

I heard this one over and over and over. Here is a screenshot from a doctor’s visit.

11 04 2015

And now you know more about me than before. Of course, if someone wanted to know if I really have these problems, they could come over for a cup of coffee and I’ll show you all the medical files I have here. I would post the allergy list but it’s pretty long. Wanna see it? Come over for coffee. Email me and ask. Call and ask. Send a text and ask.

It’s really not that hard. Just ask. Why I would make up a medical problem is beyond me. I have enough to choose from already. Why people spread this crap around is beyond me. Get a hobby!

Rumor #8: I am a Pagan who used to live on a commune

Oh that sounds like a ton of fun! But no, I didn’t live on the commune. I VISITED the commune for holy days and celebrations. It was my way of being around people who shared my beliefs… or at least didn’t care what my beliefs are.

I am a Scientific Pantheist and a Pastafarian, if you are curious. I think the two mingle nicely. Of course, someone could just ask me. I love sharing my beliefs over a pizza or a pasta bowl.

This one just amuses me but it would be nice if people would ask instead of spreading it around.

Rumor #9: My husband and I agreed to send the kids to public school in Montana

Partly true! Wow. That one is almost legit. But not quite. We agreed together, and he made an agreement with the kids, that we would continue homeschooling through the holidays so it would be easier for us to travel back to California to spend the holidays with their dad. When school started back after the holiday break, we would go have them enrolled in the public school here. That was the original agreement.

Why this didn’t happen is still a bit of a confusion to me. He backed out of the deal after we were up here and I felt it wasn’t worth a fight. So they started public school right away. It doesn’t really matter why it didn’t happen. I am not angry about it. I was a bit hurt about it when it happened, actually, I was really hurt. But it happened. The past is now the past and we moved on. And got hobbies!

Rumor #10: I started homeschooling my kids without my husband’s consent.

Do you people have nothing better to do? I am going to make a list of hobby ideas for all of you and post it by this weekend!

This one usually refers to Montana. But I will start at the beginning.

I asked about homeschooling in the beginning and we eventually agreed to homeschool. It was not done unilaterally then. We BOTH agreed. Although we did have a lot of discussions about it beforehand.

In Montana, HE is the one that wanted me to start homeschooling again. At first I said no because I didn’t want to be blamed for anything going wrong. But, we discussed it again and eventually agreed to start homeschooling again.

I did not make that decision by myself either time.

Rumor #11: I am a paraplegic

What the… seriously? I injured my lower back. I didn’t sever my spine. I have a protruding disc, not a broken back. Yes, I have a days where my legs are weak and I hurt like hell and it’s hard to walk… but I am not a paraplegic and if you hear that, tell the moron to GET A HOBBY!

What to do if you hear something about me.

Ask me. Wow, that was hard.

Now I am off to make a list of hobbies for petty people who have nothing better to do than spread rumors about people!

50 Questions: A Deep Dark Secret

Share a secret you’ve never told anyone. Until now…

I was pondering this question for a while. I am an open and honest person. Sometimes to the point of it being a fault of mine. If you ask me a question, I will tell you the answer. It might not be the answer you were looking for, but I will tell you anyway. After all, you asked for it! So, I thought about all the secrets I could tell you guys.

Had a son who died because I took him off life support… nope, already told that.

All my medical conditions… talk about them all the time.

My children… talk about them all the time too.

My ex… talk about him some too.

There really isn’t anything very secretive about me at all. And then I had a conversation with someone (who wishes not to be named on my blog) about life, death, poverty, and self-image; and it hit me! I know what secrets I am going to share. I say secrets because they go hand in hand. Get the happy pills ready… here we go!

Death is not an end

This isn’t really a huge secret. Many people believe in an afterlife. But I do remember things that aren’t from this life. I remember them vividly. I have had out of body experiences and near death experiences. I can tell you that is what shaped my beliefs, partly. This is why I would never commit suicide. You can kill your body, but the soul continues on and you will be reborn into something or someone. Your energy is what makes you who you are. Not so much the body. The body is just a physical experience you claim before you are born.

Call me crazy all you want but, I warned you about that when I called my blog “Crazy Woman’s Journal“.

Let’s say you have a shitty life and you decide to off yourself. You will get to redo the life over again. Maybe not the exact same life, but one with similar problems. You can get a new life here in this time or in an alternate universe. It won’t matter if you kill yourself because you will get to redo it over and over until you live the life you are supposed to complete.

Analogy time! Your life is a series of books…

It would be like if your life were a series of books. You were reading through the books and decided in book 3 that you didn’t want to read them anymore and threw them in the trash. You went to the life library and picked a new set of books and started reading. But damn it! These books are following the same story line as the last series. You toss that set in the trash too and go back for another series to read.

This next series is JUST like the last two series. Same type of characters, same settings, and I swayer to you, the story is the same as the first two. Only this time you begrudgingly finish reading the series to learn something amazing, some life altering experience that you didn’t expect.

So, while the books sucked at first, and droned on in some areas, and one chapter just described a cat’s fur, the story line (as a whole) has a purpose.

That purpose sometimes sucks

While some lives are meant to change something or be amazing, other lives are a form of punishment. I call this idea “The Good, the bad, and the ugly”.

The Good

Some people get to have amazing lives with “demons” they still have to battle or overcome. They might create a mega-company that changes the world. They might become doctors who revolutionize cancer treatments. They might be some guy who discovers something great but it’s not recognized in this life. They might be an artist who touches many. There are so many great lives people can live.

The Bad

Then there are the shitty lives where you just seem to suffer, can never get ahead, or spend the rest of your life in jail or as a slave. These lives aren’t pointless though. They have meaning too. They serve a purpose. Sometimes they are for you to learn some lesson about hardship.

Like, how to live frugally… or how to survive in the mountains after a government overthrow… or how to live homeless… or how you can survive living in chronic pain even though it sucks ass… or to teach you to stand up for yourself when you have lived an oppressed life… or how to change your way of thinking and not be so closed-minded… or a chance to fight in a revolution and help make a change.

The Ugly

It can also be a punishment. It’s a life meant for paying a karmic debt, for lack of a better word.

Let’s say that you had a life where you decided to try making lamp shades out of your friend’s skin and stew out of there brains and vital organs. In that life, you got away with it and caused a lot of pain to many people, not just the one’s you killed off and consumed. Their families, their friends, the community, the state, the nation… everyone who was effected by your murderous, carnivorous, interior decorating spree adds to your karmic debt.

If, in that life, you were caught, went to jail, found remorse, and tried to better yourself; your karmic debt would be less. But that life, you managed to evade police, killed a puppy or ten for fun, set random fires that no one linked to you, and basically were just a psychopathic asshole. Your karmic debt would probably follow you through several lives of becoming Mother Teresa or Princess Di before you would be out of karmic debt.

Not all karmic debt if that extreme though. Sometimes you just suffer through a disease but end up beating it because your karmic debt is paid. Or you have a series of bad things happen but nothing that sends you to a padded room. It’s things that you survive and make it through… and then you help others get through the same thing and your karmic debt gets better each time.

Basically, it’s complicated.

Deep Dark Secret #2: My Karmic Debt

I sometimes jokingly say that whatever I did in my last life must have been horrible to deserve such a shit life like this. But honestly, I don’t think it was really that bad because I could have it much worse. 

I do honestly think that this life is here as part of a karmic debt and part as a lesson that I have not figured out yet. Whatever I did in a past life wasn’t heinous like the murderous example above but it hurt a lot of people nonetheless and now I am paying my debt.

I am assuming here… It probably has something to do with medical since I am living with so many medical problems and I have a hard time with doctors treating me horrible. It probably has something to do with affection since I have trouble bonding with people. Or maybe those are just random forms of punishment that were doled out it has nothing to do with that at all.

Anyway, I do believe that this life is a punishment (for lack of a better word) where I am paying my karmic debt. I have trouble seeing myself as anything good which, I think, is part of the debt. People tell me I am talented, amazing, and all sorts of amazing things but I just can’t see it. I wish that for one day, I could see myself through someone else’s eyes.

Here is a minor example. I drew this picture of my cat, Sweetie. People say it is amazing and I did a great job. I don’t see it. I don’t see why it is so good. I can see all my mistakes though.

CAM00075 (2)

I think the disconnection I feel is just a part of my karmic debt. I can connect just enough so that I am not completely isolated emotionally. But, if I bond with someone or get close to them, they are taken away in one form or another. I am supposed to be alone this life (this much I know). At some point I may bond with someone and they won’t disappear, and then I will know my karmic debt is paid. It may not happen in this life. If it doesn’t, then I know it will happen early in my next life and we will be very close.

Until then, I only have enough bonding to keep me from going insane. When I meet a person that I instantly feel like I could bond with, I find myself pushing them away. Not because I don’t want to have a bond with people but because I don’t want my friends to keep dying off at an amazing rate and in violent manners. I imagine that the person who pushes back and won’t go away… I imagine that is the person that will help me see my worth and finally have my debt paid.

So, if you are my friend and wonder why I tend to run away and not get close to you, this is why. It’s my punishment. And I am sorry for it but I don’t know how to change it, or make it better, or make my friends stop disappearing, or make them stop dying, or make them stay without clinging to them so much that they start to hate me. But mostly, I am sorry.

I don’t know what karmic debt I am repaying but I hurt someone really bad and now, I am paying for it with this life. There are no words that can convey my sorrow.

Six Years on WordPress. A Mild Celebration.

Six years ago I joined WordPress. I toodled around and went back to Blogger. Then, in 2014, I moved my blogs over to WordPress and started this blog as my “do over” and fresh start and never looked back. I have to say, it feels weird.

I have been blogging for 12 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 1 day. Holy crap… *redoing math* I think I did that right but WOW! That is a long time! I started March 23, 2003. Count it. Let me know if I screwed up.

This is my celebration post. WOOHOO! Everyone gets a round of virtual cookies. Don’t worry, there are plenty to go around.

WP 6 years