Food. Calories.

I just need to vent. This is from my Sparkpeople blog.

I have been logging my food faithfully for the week. I started out horrible on my calories but finally got it up there. My goal each day is to hit 1500 calories. Here is how I did for the week.

I am thrilled that I did get over 1,000 every day. Don’t get me wrong there. I even celebrated the day I went over 1500! But I am so bummed that I can not get to 1500 every day (And I am not sucking down butter just for calories).

Like, I see so many people stressing over, “Oh man, I went this many calories over my limit.” and I am kind of envious. I wish I could go over 1500 calories. It happens like once a month. And it only happens because I eat cookies and soda for a day. And I STILL don’t get 2000, but at least I get over 1500 those days. In the last year, I went over 2,000 calories ONCE.

I wouldn’t stress about not enough calories but I gain weight when I am not getting enough. I am so frustrated.

If I eat enough to hit 1500, I start throwing up because I just can’t eat that much food. I want to! I love food! I would eat like a pig if I could. But I just can’t. It just sits in my stomach for awhile. I either don’t eat much or I end up puking it back up the next day. Neither is a good choice.

I would go to a doctor but they don’t really do anything. They say my GI is working fine. After all, those three bites of egg emptied from my stomach just fine. All eggs do. They shoot through me like you wouldn’t believe. (They put in my chart that I had toast and jelly too. Nope. Just egg.)

But I can’t eat eggs all day. Or maybe I could, but I don’t like them that much. So I am stuck trying to find the highest calorie foods to eat and hoping I can eat it.

You know what’s weird… I forgot what it’s like to feel hunger. I even tried to go without eating until I felt hungry. After, I think, three days I gave up and ate something because I was starting to get dizzy.

But, there’s nothing wrong with me. So I just have to force food through my system. Right? Right. Eat until I puke and then eat something else. Eventually something will stick.

At least with tracking my food that I eat, I can find patterns. Like, when I eat oatmeal, I get less calories that day than usual (by about 500). That is why I stopped eating oatmeal. Maybe I should start adding sugar to my coffee again. It’s empty calories but at least it’s calories.

Signing off – Trying not to puke – Going to take a walk

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50 Questions: Those Medicine Commercials

This is #46 in the 50 Questions Series.

46. Create a post asking for advice on something that’s troubling you.

It’s not something that is bothering me but it something my friend and I were talking about the other day. We would like to hear your ideas on it.

Java and I were talking about medicines that we take because both of us have upcoming doctors appointments. We were comparing notes. I take Benadryl and it makes me tired. She takes Benadryl and she is wired for sound. We were comparing differences, discussing what medicines we take for what problems, and comparing symptoms to conditions we both have.

Then, as we usually do, we changed subjects and started talking about commercials. This lead us into medicine commercials. You know the ones… “Do you feel nauseous? You need Heavehalt. Talk to your doctor today!”

SQUIRREL ALERT!

A.D.D. is easy as 1-2- OH EM GEE! A SQUIRREL!
SQUIRREL ALERT! Hi, Sparky!

Okay, while this is still related to the post, this just reminded me of a YouTube video by IISuperwomanII. She is hilarious. I love her videos!

She did one on different types of commercials and the first one is about medical commercials and how what they are telling you does not match what you are being told in the commercial. 

You can watch it here. Enjoy!

Side Effects Listed in Commercials

We were discussing the side effects that they mention, that you may have, before they suggest talking to your doctor about Insertamedicinehere. The issues we have with these commercials are 

  1. They are trying to sell medicine. That should be your doctors thing. Not a company. But I will skip that for a minute.
  2. The symptoms are usually vague when they mention them. Back pain, nausea, sudden urge to urinate, feeling tired, etc. Who hasn’t had those?
  3. They tell you to talk to your doctor to see if Medicineyoudontneed is right for you right after listing all these vague symptoms.

So here is what we are wondering. For people with chronic health problems, how would you know when to talk to your doctor or if it’s just a part of [insert medical condition here].

For example, if a medicine says, “Do you have muscle aches and pains?” That goes with severe vitamin D deficiency and Fibromyalgia. Sometimes it goes with epilepsy too.

The Question: When do you talk to your doctor?

How would I know my muscle aches and pains are normal Fibromyalgia pains and when it’s a pain I need to see my doctor for?

If you have chronic health issues, at what point should you go to your doctor?

Since living here, I have learned not to go to the doctor for anything. If I can handle it at home, I am not going. I’ve taken epi-pens to the leg, downed some Benadryl and Ranitidine, and hoped it kicked in fast enough rather than go to the ER here.

I will deal with pain at home. It has to actually make my life a living hell before I will go to the doctor. 

It’s not that I don’t trust the doctor I see now. I do! But from past negative experiences with the medical care here, I am very leery of going to an appointment to ask about anything. It’s that psychological abuse that Dr Vindictive put me through. I recognise this. I acknowledge it. Still doesn’t make it any easier to go to a doctor when I should.

Which is why Java and I thought this would be a great question to ask.

At what point do you go to the doctor about your symptoms?

What do you think of those commercials?

 

I have the best friends! Facebook is not one of them.

Thursday was hard for me. It was therapy day so I got to talk about some of the things I am doing, things that are bothering me, and how I am going to be a nomadic hermit. Is that a thing? Because I feel like I could make that a thing.

Then I got home and exhaustion hit again. I slept some more. Got up feeling all emotional and went to Facebook to see anything happy. Here is a list of people I follow and why:

  • Sister-in-laws and brothers raising their babies
  • Friends raising their kids.
  • Sisters and brothers because I love seeing what fun stuff is going on in their lives.
  • My mom because she is super awesome!
  • My nieces and nephews (all 300 kajillion of them) who are adults now because it is fun to see the people they are growing into.
  • A friend I have known since I was 13 post about her cats (I love cats!) and her son.
  • Various family members for their blogs, positivity, fun posts, happy quotes, etc.
  • A friend who updates on her friend’s babies health struggles. I follow the friend and the child’s family life story as it unfolds.
  • ProBlogger because he is inspiring.
  • Friends around town because I like to see what they are up to and usually it’s positive.
  • Cracked.com because… comedy! And I am officially a “Purveyor of Dick Jokes” on their site.
  • Cabinet Peaks Medical Center and other places around town because I want to feel connected to my community.

So I hop onto Facebook and what do I see in my news feed? Not one positive thing at all. Every post was racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, and flat out mean spirited. I tried adjusting my news feed to “most recent” and got the same posts. I scrolled down until the posts started repeating. I refreshed the page. Nope, still the same freaking posts. Here is a sample of what they were:

  • A post about how horrible gay people are with a comment about how he should have been allowed to finish the job. (I am bisexual. This was beyond offensive.)
  • A post about a stabbing in another country.
  • A post about how we need to ban knives if we are going to ban guns.
  • A post about the evils of transgender people.
  • An argument between to grown-ass men about whether an AR-15 is an assault weapon or not; and whether it should be banned or if families should be allowed to own one for hunting and protection… complete with name calling.
  • A post about how Trump is right and will fix all this by kicking all the (I forget who but I think it was Muslims) out of the country.

It just kept going and seemed to get worse the further down I went. Not one update about family, friends, humor columns, blog writing, cats, loving people, gay pride, etc. Nothing. Not one damned positive thing. I had to go to specific profile pages to see anything positive and when I returned to the news feed, it was the same hateful diatribe that it was before.

I ended up thinking to myself that I needed to just get off of there and do something else. But first, I posted this status update

Done.jpg

What happened next?

I worked on a post when a chrome notification popped up that a cousin had replied to my post. I thought, “Well, it’s my post… so I’ll go look.” We chatted for a few rounds and went back to the post.

I saw another notification pop up and it is someone who is really funny. He replied to my post. I had to see what funny thing he posted and this is what he left.

-3  Dotchi Latham   Okay. I am done with social media for the day. I...

I laughed so hard! Thank you, Zack! I can always count on you to make me laugh.

Then I started getting tagged in various post comments around Facebook. Space things, beautiful pictures, inspiring stories, and a hilarious video of round animals. Along with this comment posted to the status.

2Dotchi Latham   Okay. I am done with social media for the day. I....jpeg

Someone else sent me private messages about her health update and it was super positive! Then we sent GIF animations to each other, getting sillier and sillier as time went on.

My mom sent a happy meme that made me smile…

Dotchi Latham   Okay. I am done with social media for the day. I....jpeg

And I had someone text me privately to make sure I was okay.

I can’t tell you how much that all meant to me. You guys are all so awesome. I have the best support network.

About an hour later, my news feed was back to how it usually is. Some happy, some funny, some hateful, some gay pride, some babies, some love, some silly pictures, and everything looked great.

Was this another Facebook experiment?

Knowing that Facebook has done experiments on their users before, I have to wonder if this wasn’t some fucked up Facebook experiment. Things like this is why I am starting to steer clear of Facebook.

If this is some Facebook experiment, they are seriously fucked up for doing shit like this to people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and mood disorders. Are they trying to coax people into killing themselves?

I am not suicidal… but let’s say someone was suicidal and they logged onto Facebook for support, looking for something to cheer them up, and give them a reason to live. And let’s pretend that they logged in during a particularly hateful news feed spread like what I experienced.

Who’s to say that isn’t the last straw that pushes them over the edge and makes them actually kill themselves?

As for me?

My mental health is too precious for me. I will go on Facebook a couple times a day but I won’t be on as much. I can’t handle it. If Facebook would quit treating people like lab rats, then I would consider being more active. Until then, I have to protect myself.

FAQ: Are You Okay? Why Are You Crying?

This frequently asked question is something I hear a lot. Like A LOT! I figured I would make a post on it and get it all off my chest for today.

Are you okay?

I will be fine. I am tough. I have been through a lot in my life. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I always have good days. Just some of those days have moments.

I was going to put a meme here. But they are all so depressing! Holy crap! The quotes for this one are morbid.

Why are you crying?

Because I need to. It’s how I stay strong.

Because I am thinking about my hopeless future. Not trying to sound like Dotchi Downer… but I am being honest here. My future plans are bleak. I am planning on becoming homeless and living in my van. I am actually quite excited about this. Every one else, not so much.

Everyone else wants me to think positive and plan on living in a house or a mobile home or something… riiiiiight, cuz money grows on trees, guys! I kind of need to have a steady income to plan for a future doesn’t include me living in a van.

poor meme   Google Search

I mean, I can plan to live in a house all I want. As soon as I don’t have an income and can’t pay rent/mortgage, I will be evicted and will be homeless. Instead of going through all that, I will happily plan to live in my van.

I cry because I just need to feel it for a moment and get it out of my system so I can keep going every day. I mean, I can only pretend that everything is fine for so long.

I cry because I am in pain. Not just sometimes. All the time. Every minute of every day. It doesn’t go away. Ever. While I can hold back the tears most of the time, there are days when the pain is a little too much to handle any more.

pain meme funny   Google Search

I can’t live my life always high. I need to have hours each day where I can function normally and get things done. But I pay for it in severe pain. Even crocheting sends me into tears.

pain advice meme   Google Search

I have heard it all too.

“Exercise will help.” I can do light exercise. Beyond that, I would just hurt myself to the point I can’t move for days without bursting into tears from the pain.

“You should move to somewhere you can get a job.” I have applied for jobs all over the place for the last four years. Every week I search for jobs I can do. I send out applications. I send out resumes. Moving is not going to help me get a job when no one will hire me.

ND hahaha

“You should do something from home.” I am trying that. But I am finding that any crafts I make at home, I cannot sell for a price that will help me pay the bills. Here is an example: On a GOOD week, I can make four bags a week. In person, no one wants to pay over $25.

That’s $100 a week, IF I could continue making that many a week, I never had bad weeks, and I am able to sell every single bag I make. That covers rent. What am I supposed to do for electric? Internet (to sell some online for a little more)? And every medical bill that I simply can’t pay?

“You should apply for disability.” Been there. Done that. Have you actually tried that? No wonder so many people are homeless with disabilities. I paid into the system for years and I get NOTHING!

There are plenty of people I know who need it and do get it. But I also know people who cannot work and can’t get it. I have watched people become homeless in the process… which is where I am heading… because it’s impossible to get disability. And don’t get me started on the judge in my case!

And every other comment I keep hearing doesn’t really help either. You know what helps? Chocolate. And coffee. Or Chocolate coffee. I could live off those. Or, you know, hire me!

In case you want to hire me, here is what I can do/ cannot do:

This is not the complete list. I have to end the post eventually.

  • I can lift between 8 and 10 pounds… on a good day. Sometimes I can lift 12 pounds. It just depends on how many days I have to recover.
  • I can stand for about 30 minutes. Sometimes. Not always. But I am cool with bar stools also. And I have Lidoderm patches that help.
  • I can sit upright for about 20-30 minutes. Most of the time. Then I have to lay down for a while to calm the pain.
  • I can type. I don’t know my typing speed but most everyone I know is impressed with it. So it’s probably faster than normal.
  • I love blogging! I would blog more but I have been focusing on making things to sell and practicing other computer skills that might help me.
  • I love making memes! I use them because they make me smile and it’s easier than walking around looking for a good picture or searching through the billions of pictures I have on my computer for the right one.
  • I love photography! My camera is dying a slow death so I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately. But I LOVE photos!
  • I can crop, re-size, airbrush, and do other edits to photos. I am still learning some of the cooler things.

I can’t really do much most days. If I crochet, I can’t do anything else or it’s just too much.

job hunt meme   Google Search

I am better at computer work than I am at anything else if I have to be quite honest.

If you don’t hire me…

If you can’t hire me, that’s okay… I wouldn’t hire me for most jobs either. BUT, if you do hire me, I am going to throw myself into the work and do it as well as I can and try to do the best I can!

But if you aren’t going to hire me… Don’t tell me how to live my life either. I don’t need antidepressants. That’s just another bill I can’t afford. I don’t need to move because I already applied elsewhere. No one is hiring me.

If you aren’t going to hire me, please tell me so I can cry and move on to something else. Making me wait and figure it out myself is a waste of my time.

waste my time quotes   Google Search

If I am crying, I am firmly planted in reality that day. Sometimes I just need to face the cold, harsh reality of shitty life so I can go back to hoping and searching for a way to survive. Sometimes I just need to feel the pain so I can be optimistic again.

I am allowed to cry without being shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Their called emotions. They are totally normal. I don’t need people telling me what to do, I need coffee, a bag of chocolate, a date with Netflix, and a good cry. It gives me a mental vacation. Sometimes, that is all I really need.

Some days, I need to relieve the emotional pain so I can live every day with the physical pain and still force myself to smile. You can add that to my list of talents.

fake a smile quotes   Google Search

 

 

 

My New Year Non-Resolution

By Roula30 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By Roula30 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
This year that I am leaving behind was complete and utter shit. There is no time to wallow in despair though. I am facing the future. It looks brighter anyway. Either that’s a good thing or that’s a train about to run my over. Whatever. It’s better than 2015. Here is what is in my future!

Homelessness!

Wait, this isn’t a bad thing. I have to get ready for being homeless soon. I figure I have a year and a half to two years to prepare. I have a van. I have done this before. I am actually kind of excited! Continue reading

A Letter To Myself…

Years ago when I was in therapy, I would write letters to myself as if I was writing it to someone else who was in my position. What would I say to them?

Dear Me,

I know this is stressful but you will make it through the day tomorrow just fine. You might cry. That’s okay. This is perfectly normal. I would worry about you if you didn’t cry!

Just remember, you have a plan of action for if you get disability and you have a plan of action for if you don’t get disability.

Your world isn’t going to end if you don’t get it. You still have support from your ex who is awesome at helping you out when you need it. You will still have a place to live, food to eat, people who love you, internet, clothes, your cute little cats, and lot more.

Just look at this as a way to help you decide what to do next. Remember how you would give the boys tests for homeschool and they would freak out? And you would tell them not to worry because it wasn’t a test to see how they were doing, it was a test to show you what you needed to teach them next. Look at this as not a hearing. It’s a way to help you decide which path you need to follow on life. Are you going to have disability and a stable life? Or do you need something else?

Either way… Here is a little crochet heart to take with you. It is to remind you that you still have support and love from a lot of people.

Yes, it is stressful. But it isn’t determining if you live or die… it is just determining what adventure you will have next.

Love Dotchi

I am home! And exhausted! And I need to Ramble Post!

We made it home just fine. I am still exhausted from the heat and Benadryl. I have not been on that much Benadryl in a long time. I woke up each morning and took 50 mg of Benadryl. Then every drink I had (Pepsi, water, coffee, etc) had a 50 mg Benadryl mixed into it. And there were still days that my tongue and throat felt like it was swelling. My ankles and feet swelled from the heat so much that I could not put my crocs on. Don’t judge me. I have them for when my feet swell. Only I ended up wearing slipper socks because my feet wear so swollen my oversize crocs were too tight.

I spent most of the time in the apartment either crocheting, browsing Facebook, or playing Minecraft… and becoming seriously depressed. I spent a lot of time choking down tears and reminding myself that it was temporary and I would be going home soon. I have to say, the semi-colon project popped into my head a lot. I wasn’t suicidal! I want to stress that. Sometimes the semi-colon just reminds me that I can keep going because I have done it again and again… and when it looks horrible, it will get better.

Which brings me to this week. I am coming down off the Benadryl. I lost 3 pounds since I got home two days ago. I feel better pain wise and swelling wise but I still hurt enough that I am still choking down tears… even on Marijuana. I think I need to take extra doses. If I had the money, I would do that.

Today I have am appointment about my swelling and I am going to talk to my doctor about how I can’t get up for too long without my ankles swelling. I’ll see how it goes.

Wednesday I will be a bundle of nerves. I have my disability hearing. I just wonder how much Dr Vindictive screwed me over with his calling all my doctors, lying, and labeling me with a mental illness I don’t have.  I keep hearing, “Oh you will get it this time! No problem!” But I am really disheartened and I have a seriously hard time believing it. If I don’t get disability, well, I will cry for about a week and then I’ll get my big girl panties on and… plan on homelessness. I do have a year or two before it will become a reality. I will have to file bankruptcy. I would say I would be hitting rock bottom but I am already there. I’ll just have to start decorating the bottomless pit and call it “no hope/ no job/ and no one will hire me”.

So, either the blog will start directing to more happy things that make me smile or I’ll start posting my preparedness of getting my van ready to live in. I am actually looking forward to it. No sarcasm. I have worked myself into excitement over the idea of living in a smaller space that will be easier to keep up with and having my own smaller home.

On Thursday I have therapy. I am going to be a bundle of nerves. This month has been hell on me. I have no idea of my future and I do not like asking for help.

I am still trying to think of things I can do to make money. Serious things. I am crocheting but if I made a scarf, I would have to sell it for like $50 to make any money at it. None of them really made it affordable for the buyer and NO ONE here wants to pay for your time, much less the materials. So I figured the prices at minimum wage ($8.05 here), $10 an hour, and $15 an hour. If it’s $8.05 then I will add in the material prices (of the yarn, I already have needles). At the other two, I will just eat the cost of materials.

A dishcloth took me an hour to make. I don’t think any dishcloth is worth $8.05 or $10 or $15. I may be undervaluing myself or my skill but would you buy a dishcloth for $8?

A scarf took me about four hours to make. Would you pay $32 for a scarf? Or $40? Or $60?

I decided to make a fun little lap blanket. It has taken me DAYS to make. By the time I am finished, my price just for my time will be something like $320 or $400 or $600. No one is going to buy a lap blanket for that price. Or would they?

I am just feeling like a failure. Well, not really a failure because I know I have talent and I do think I do a good job at things but nothing I do will realistically make me enough money to actually pay my bills.

I get really excited once in a while about something but it quickly fades as I realize the amount of opposition I am up against. Unless I charge like $3 an hour, I am not going to sell anything. I would have to live in my van anyway.

And if I don’t get disability, I am going to feel like a complete failure. I tried finding a job. But no one will hire me (I wouldn’t hire me). I tried applying at three places I know hire disabled people. They won’t even hire me because I am too much of a liability.

I tried pep talks like, “You can do it! You can find SOMETHING you can do for work… Hell, even your aunt with Downs Syndrome has a job.” Then it dawned on me. Even my relatives with disabilities have jobs and I am still over here like, “Hey can I borrow another $5? I ran out of soap and toilet paper.”

I am depressed. I’ll be totally honest. I cry a lot these days. My eyes burn from the tears now. But I keep thinking it will get better. The only thing is, it doesn’t get better. Talent is nice and all but it doesn’t pay the bills. Sure, I can make cool things but I wouldn’t make enough money to keep a cheap apartment much less pay the bills.

So… Wednesday either I can calm down and relax or I have a good breakdown and then plan to be homeless. Either way, I am due for a really good cry with snot bubbles and all.