Total Freak Out Day

Today I am totally freaking out. It’s bad when I can’t even think straight. I am so stressed right now with no income. But, I am trying to focus enough to get stuff done. I finished a scarf for myself. I forgot to time myself to see how long it takes to make one. I have an appointment today for the tobacco seminar. I also have a coffee meet with a couple of ladies in town.

I am trying to stay calm but it just isn’t working. I am stressed to the max this week and I have no idea what I am going to do. I am trying to plan ahead but the only thing I can think of is homelessness. It’s a horrible day when homelessness is looking like a viable option again.

My doctor was talking about putting me on medication to help with depression. I don’t need pills. I need income. I don’t want to be medicated. I want an actual plan that will make my life better. Pills cost money anyway. How the hell am I supposed to afford medication when I can’t even afford my electric bill? This is insane.

Exploring my Triggers

This week we are taking the thought log one step further. Last week we wrote down a thought log for each time we smoked. It included:

  1. Situation/ Trigger: example- argument with roommate
  2. Feelings: example- sad/depressed
  3. Automatic thought: example- “she hates me”
  4. Behavior: example- I smoked

This week, we are still doing 1-3, but we have two new columns:

  1. Is it true? List evidence to support your statement.
  2. Is it true? List evidence that does NOT support your statement.

Here are a few of mine so far:

Trigger: Friends went out to smoke

Feelings: Content

Automatic thought: “I should go smoke with them.”

Is it true? (Supporting evidence) Yes, I should go smoke with them. They are my friends and we always smoke together.

Is it true? (NOT supporting evidence) No, I don’t HAVE to go smoke with them. They are still my friends. I could take coffee with me and drink that instead of smoking. Or I could just stay instead and wait for them to come back inside.

Trigger: Doing bills

Feelings: Sad, frustrated, depressed

Automatic thought: “I am broke”

Is it true? (Supporting evidence) Yes, I have no job, no hope of getting a job because I can’t work, no one will hire me after all the applications I turned in, disability hasn’t called me back, I can’t pay my bills, Google Adsense disabled my account, I have no hope of making an income (of any size) online now, and I depending on others to help me until disability goes through (which could be YEARS).

Is it true? (NOT supporting evidence) Currently, I have $15 to pay towards rent. So, TECHNICALLY, I am not broke. I am still looking into Fiverr, so there is still hope to make income online. My electric is paid for about five or six months so, that is one bill I don’t have to pay. The people who are helping me are all very understanding and patient people who are willing to write letters to the disability board, if needed. The fact that I am not homeless, living in my van with two kids, shows how blessed I am for having a support network like this.

Trigger: My ex called and told me about his job hunt, then went into a spiel about how I need to get a job, he can’t support me forever (child support?), and listed everything he thinks I would be able to do (that I can’t do 90% of the things listed).

Feelings: Absolutely felt like crap, just horrible about myself, felt totally awful. I actually cried.

Automatic thought: “I am worthless”

Is it true? (Supporting evidence) I can’t do 90% of the things listed. I have no health insurance, I can’t afford health insurance, I can’t get on Medicaid either, I am a drain on society, my family, my friends… Wow, this is too painful. I could go on and on… but I don’t to.

Is it true? (NOT supporting evidence) I CAN do 10% of the things he suggested, even though I tried those already… I am CAPABLE of doing SOMETHING, no matter how small. I am writing books, making children’s books, checking out Fiverr, and working on artwork to sell also. I am waiting for my rejection letter from Medicaid so I can sign up for the Share Pay program at the hospital. I am making payments of $1 each month at CHC so I CAN have medical care. I am NOT a drain on my family and friends. We are there for each other. I help them out as much as I can. I have been there for them in the past and they are here for me now. I am ONLY on SNAP (food stamps) and once I get disability, I will probably not need them anymore. I can take a small amount of my income once I am on disability, and give food to the community food pantry each month to pay it forward for my time on SNAP. There are other ways I can give to my community also. I can donate to the Pregnancy Center, the Battered Women’s Shelter, the hospital, the Community Health Center, etc. I have always been a productive member of society and paid my taxes for 20 something years. This is me using the benefits I paid for all those years. This is what it is there for. Now… get to crocheting! You can do it! or WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! Don’t let that man get into your head! You are better than this!