Poem By Me: Low

I found this poem that I wrote on Tumblr. I don’t go on there often. I wrote it in 2009 and promptly forgot about it. I decided to share it here so I don’t lose it again.

Low

I feel low even though I shouldn’t
You said I talked, even though I wouldn’t.
And I am feeling your words blow
My mind went numb and I felt low.
Not for long because I have seen this so much
A town so small and so out of touch
You people bicker and banter and blame everyone else
When you should be thinking what you said yourself.
I kept your secrets. The dark ones and the deep.
I kept my mouth shut. Not even a peep.
And you still blamed me when it’s somebody else
Too bad you blamed me and not yourself.
But I know the secrets you slipped and told her
I’m not carrying that burden upon my shoulders
You messed up. Not me. And I won’t take the blame.
You slandered yourself… ruined your own name.
I’ll still keep those secrets until the end
But I am truly, forever, no longer your friend.

New Neighbors, Pain Relief, and Trying to Get Motivated.

I haven’t posted lately because my meds have me knocked out. But, with new meds comes relief from the ever grinding, relentless pain. Remember when I posted about giving my pain a number? Well, I can honestly say that this makes it easier to pick a number. I am not in agonizing pain all day and my mood is improving dramatically because of it. I able to load the whole dishwasher, do some laundry (a light load), fold clothes, clean the bathroom, tidy the house a little… you know, feel useful and like I am doing something. I didn’t complete everything all in one round but hey, anything is better than sitting and playing online all day!

Now that I am on the right meds (Gabapentin, 800 mg of ibuprofen, and Methocarbomal) I can totally tell the nerve pain from the muscle spasm pain and arthritis pain. VERY different. Continue reading

I’ll be a Youtuber!

I know this isn’t logical, I really do, but I decided to do what I always wanted to do… well, at least since YouTube has been around, and make YouTube videos to journal/vlog. I mean, I know I won’t get paid, but who cares… I want to try to do something fun. My therapist wants me to explore my worth, explore what I deserve… mmm, okay. So, I figured I would do that through video blogging. I mean, I will still be writing down my thoughts too, I’m not leaving the blogging world, I just want something fun to do, something to look forward to.

I did one test on my camera LOL, I was a bit too close. But if this works, you’ll be able to see the video. Warning: I have ADD and tend to change sentence/ subject mid-thought!

This way, I can update all my blogs in a fun way, still get beading done in the “real life” instead of spending too much time writing… at least in my head that is how it’s working… and I will be happy to get to explore the vlogging world a little.

I do have anxiety about this though. I have a lot of anxiety. 1) I don’t like the fact that I am missing a lot of my teeth (not my fault) 2)… no, that’s about it. Well, not really, I also have anxiety about people looking at me. I know, it’s a not a healthy thing to obsess over… that’s one of reasons I am in therapy. It makes me all nervous and anxiety ridden to think that someone, somewhere, that I don’t know LOOKED at me. Massive anxiety attack right there. I like to walk around imagining I am in an invisibility bubble. No really, that’s how I cope.

Like I said, I know that’s not healthy… but, then too, I am in therapy, okay?

I figure, if I do this, it will help with anxiety and being a hermit/shut-in, and I can have fun with it too. I’m going to practice editing a video today to cut out all the rambling bits that I tend to do when I am talking. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Real Quick though… I am trying to do an “introduction video” about myself. My friend, Jane, suggested I could do a bunch of questions people ask. I have a list of 11 questions so far. I will reorder them before I do the video.

  1. How many kids do you have?
  2. Why are you vlogging?
  3. What do you hope to gain by doing this?
  4. What are your fears about doing these videos online?
  5. Do you still not smoke? Like, show everyone your necklace!
  6. Do you drink?
  7. What is your favorite drink?
  8. What is your favorite thing to do? (I think he meant “hobbies”)
  9. Do you crochet or knit?
  10. Do you like to read? You should do a thingy where you share what book you are reading and how you like it and what’s happening so far in the book and stuff like that. (OH! I like this idea!)
  11. You should talk about your allergies on your blog. Tell people what it’s like to live with that many allergies. (okay)

So, if you could add to the list, what would you ask? What would you want to see in an introduction video about me?

Exploring my Triggers

This week we are taking the thought log one step further. Last week we wrote down a thought log for each time we smoked. It included:

  1. Situation/ Trigger: example- argument with roommate
  2. Feelings: example- sad/depressed
  3. Automatic thought: example- “she hates me”
  4. Behavior: example- I smoked

This week, we are still doing 1-3, but we have two new columns:

  1. Is it true? List evidence to support your statement.
  2. Is it true? List evidence that does NOT support your statement.

Here are a few of mine so far:

Trigger: Friends went out to smoke

Feelings: Content

Automatic thought: “I should go smoke with them.”

Is it true? (Supporting evidence) Yes, I should go smoke with them. They are my friends and we always smoke together.

Is it true? (NOT supporting evidence) No, I don’t HAVE to go smoke with them. They are still my friends. I could take coffee with me and drink that instead of smoking. Or I could just stay instead and wait for them to come back inside.

Trigger: Doing bills

Feelings: Sad, frustrated, depressed

Automatic thought: “I am broke”

Is it true? (Supporting evidence) Yes, I have no job, no hope of getting a job because I can’t work, no one will hire me after all the applications I turned in, disability hasn’t called me back, I can’t pay my bills, Google Adsense disabled my account, I have no hope of making an income (of any size) online now, and I depending on others to help me until disability goes through (which could be YEARS).

Is it true? (NOT supporting evidence) Currently, I have $15 to pay towards rent. So, TECHNICALLY, I am not broke. I am still looking into Fiverr, so there is still hope to make income online. My electric is paid for about five or six months so, that is one bill I don’t have to pay. The people who are helping me are all very understanding and patient people who are willing to write letters to the disability board, if needed. The fact that I am not homeless, living in my van with two kids, shows how blessed I am for having a support network like this.

Trigger: My ex called and told me about his job hunt, then went into a spiel about how I need to get a job, he can’t support me forever (child support?), and listed everything he thinks I would be able to do (that I can’t do 90% of the things listed).

Feelings: Absolutely felt like crap, just horrible about myself, felt totally awful. I actually cried.

Automatic thought: “I am worthless”

Is it true? (Supporting evidence) I can’t do 90% of the things listed. I have no health insurance, I can’t afford health insurance, I can’t get on Medicaid either, I am a drain on society, my family, my friends… Wow, this is too painful. I could go on and on… but I don’t to.

Is it true? (NOT supporting evidence) I CAN do 10% of the things he suggested, even though I tried those already… I am CAPABLE of doing SOMETHING, no matter how small. I am writing books, making children’s books, checking out Fiverr, and working on artwork to sell also. I am waiting for my rejection letter from Medicaid so I can sign up for the Share Pay program at the hospital. I am making payments of $1 each month at CHC so I CAN have medical care. I am NOT a drain on my family and friends. We are there for each other. I help them out as much as I can. I have been there for them in the past and they are here for me now. I am ONLY on SNAP (food stamps) and once I get disability, I will probably not need them anymore. I can take a small amount of my income once I am on disability, and give food to the community food pantry each month to pay it forward for my time on SNAP. There are other ways I can give to my community also. I can donate to the Pregnancy Center, the Battered Women’s Shelter, the hospital, the Community Health Center, etc. I have always been a productive member of society and paid my taxes for 20 something years. This is me using the benefits I paid for all those years. This is what it is there for. Now… get to crocheting! You can do it! or WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! Don’t let that man get into your head! You are better than this!