Weight Loss and Food

I was thinking about this today and thought I would post about it – so this is going to ramble a bit.

At my largest weight, I weighed 300+ pounds. I say “300+” because I had stopped weighing myself when the scale said 301. My pants were size 28…. and then those didn’t fit. I bought elastic waist pants because I didn’t want to see the waist number growing. For awhile, I wore a denim pink dress and a couple other tent-like outfits because I could not fit in my clothes anymore. Honestly, I hated myself at this point.

Then I stopped birth control (depoprevara – I gained 60 pounds in 2 months) and the weight SLOWLY started coming off. I remember when I could fit in my size 28 pants again. I was thrilled. I never thought I would be thrilled to be a size 28. LOL

And over the years my weight went up and down. In 2010, I found out all the foods I am allergic to and stopped eating them. I dropped the weight – like it fell off!

I ended up getting down to 193.6 before the jerk doctor in K-town decided to give me steroid shots. I BALLOONED! I hit 250 (or 257 – I can’t remember) and I cried. I had worked so hard to better myself only to have one asshole totally erase that in one poor decision backed by bureaucracy. I hate work comp and that doctor for that to this day.

Now, the weight is coming off again. My only struggle now is that I am never hungry. I even waited until I got hungry to eat. After DAYS, the dizziness set in and I ate even though I wasn’t hungry. I still haven’t felt hunger. I have to remember to eat. I forget some days. I stick to my old dietitian’s and nutritionist’s standards for calories.

My first thing is – get over 1000 calories a day (I was getting 548 cal a day avg when I saw her)! Or at least try. After that, I aim for between 1200 and 2000 a day. They wanted us to try for between 1500-1800 as a generic but, I would be fucking thrilled to hit 1000 calories a day for a month straight.

As for my weight, according to one place, my recommended weight is between 125 and 169. If I was at the lower end of that, I would look anorexic. MY goal (and most doctors are cool with this) is to get somewhere between 150 and 170.

When I weighed 173, I was quite happy with how I looked, how I felt, my body, etc. I wasn’t SKINNY but I wasn’t fat either. I was just right and I want to get to that again.

It will happen. I know it will. I just have to be patient and diligent… and remember to eat.

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Appointment Today

I have an appointment later today with my neurologist. I am excited about this because this is the longest I have gone without a seizure.


Today was a chill day. I hurt too bad to continue moving. I slept most of the day. Probably has part to do with the low calories or maybe the shitty diet? Or could be because I sometimes can’t stay awake.

I also think it has to do with the way I am eating. In order to get enough calories each day I am eating like crap. 

So, starting tomorrow, I am going to eat how I want to eat and not worry so much about calories.

  • More water
  • Healthier food
  • Stop worrying about calories


If the doctors are that worried about my diet, they can come to my house and fix my meals… or, I dunno, listen to me and figure out why I have no appetite.

I will update later about the appointment.

Food. Calories.

I just need to vent. This is from my Sparkpeople blog.

I have been logging my food faithfully for the week. I started out horrible on my calories but finally got it up there. My goal each day is to hit 1500 calories. Here is how I did for the week.

I am thrilled that I did get over 1,000 every day. Don’t get me wrong there. I even celebrated the day I went over 1500! But I am so bummed that I can not get to 1500 every day (And I am not sucking down butter just for calories).

Like, I see so many people stressing over, “Oh man, I went this many calories over my limit.” and I am kind of envious. I wish I could go over 1500 calories. It happens like once a month. And it only happens because I eat cookies and soda for a day. And I STILL don’t get 2000, but at least I get over 1500 those days. In the last year, I went over 2,000 calories ONCE.

I wouldn’t stress about not enough calories but I gain weight when I am not getting enough. I am so frustrated.

If I eat enough to hit 1500, I start throwing up because I just can’t eat that much food. I want to! I love food! I would eat like a pig if I could. But I just can’t. It just sits in my stomach for awhile. I either don’t eat much or I end up puking it back up the next day. Neither is a good choice.

I would go to a doctor but they don’t really do anything. They say my GI is working fine. After all, those three bites of egg emptied from my stomach just fine. All eggs do. They shoot through me like you wouldn’t believe. (They put in my chart that I had toast and jelly too. Nope. Just egg.)

But I can’t eat eggs all day. Or maybe I could, but I don’t like them that much. So I am stuck trying to find the highest calorie foods to eat and hoping I can eat it.

You know what’s weird… I forgot what it’s like to feel hunger. I even tried to go without eating until I felt hungry. After, I think, three days I gave up and ate something because I was starting to get dizzy.

But, there’s nothing wrong with me. So I just have to force food through my system. Right? Right. Eat until I puke and then eat something else. Eventually something will stick.

At least with tracking my food that I eat, I can find patterns. Like, when I eat oatmeal, I get less calories that day than usual (by about 500). That is why I stopped eating oatmeal. Maybe I should start adding sugar to my coffee again. It’s empty calories but at least it’s calories.

Signing off – Trying not to puke – Going to take a walk