I have the best friends! Facebook is not one of them.

Thursday was hard for me. It was therapy day so I got to talk about some of the things I am doing, things that are bothering me, and how I am going to be a nomadic hermit. Is that a thing? Because I feel like I could make that a thing.

Then I got home and exhaustion hit again. I slept some more. Got up feeling all emotional and went to Facebook to see anything happy. Here is a list of people I follow and why:

  • Sister-in-laws and brothers raising their babies
  • Friends raising their kids.
  • Sisters and brothers because I love seeing what fun stuff is going on in their lives.
  • My mom because she is super awesome!
  • My nieces and nephews (all 300 kajillion of them) who are adults now because it is fun to see the people they are growing into.
  • A friend I have known since I was 13 post about her cats (I love cats!) and her son.
  • Various family members for their blogs, positivity, fun posts, happy quotes, etc.
  • A friend who updates on her friend’s babies health struggles. I follow the friend and the child’s family life story as it unfolds.
  • ProBlogger because he is inspiring.
  • Friends around town because I like to see what they are up to and usually it’s positive.
  • Cracked.com because… comedy! And I am officially a “Purveyor of Dick Jokes” on their site.
  • Cabinet Peaks Medical Center and other places around town because I want to feel connected to my community.

So I hop onto Facebook and what do I see in my news feed? Not one positive thing at all. Every post was racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, and flat out mean spirited. I tried adjusting my news feed to “most recent” and got the same posts. I scrolled down until the posts started repeating. I refreshed the page. Nope, still the same freaking posts. Here is a sample of what they were:

  • A post about how horrible gay people are with a comment about how he should have been allowed to finish the job. (I am bisexual. This was beyond offensive.)
  • A post about a stabbing in another country.
  • A post about how we need to ban knives if we are going to ban guns.
  • A post about the evils of transgender people.
  • An argument between to grown-ass men about whether an AR-15 is an assault weapon or not; and whether it should be banned or if families should be allowed to own one for hunting and protection… complete with name calling.
  • A post about how Trump is right and will fix all this by kicking all the (I forget who but I think it was Muslims) out of the country.

It just kept going and seemed to get worse the further down I went. Not one update about family, friends, humor columns, blog writing, cats, loving people, gay pride, etc. Nothing. Not one damned positive thing. I had to go to specific profile pages to see anything positive and when I returned to the news feed, it was the same hateful diatribe that it was before.

I ended up thinking to myself that I needed to just get off of there and do something else. But first, I posted this status update

Done.jpg

What happened next?

I worked on a post when a chrome notification popped up that a cousin had replied to my post. I thought, “Well, it’s my post… so I’ll go look.” We chatted for a few rounds and went back to the post.

I saw another notification pop up and it is someone who is really funny. He replied to my post. I had to see what funny thing he posted and this is what he left.

-3  Dotchi Latham   Okay. I am done with social media for the day. I...

I laughed so hard! Thank you, Zack! I can always count on you to make me laugh.

Then I started getting tagged in various post comments around Facebook. Space things, beautiful pictures, inspiring stories, and a hilarious video of round animals. Along with this comment posted to the status.

2Dotchi Latham   Okay. I am done with social media for the day. I....jpeg

Someone else sent me private messages about her health update and it was super positive! Then we sent GIF animations to each other, getting sillier and sillier as time went on.

My mom sent a happy meme that made me smile…

Dotchi Latham   Okay. I am done with social media for the day. I....jpeg

And I had someone text me privately to make sure I was okay.

I can’t tell you how much that all meant to me. You guys are all so awesome. I have the best support network.

About an hour later, my news feed was back to how it usually is. Some happy, some funny, some hateful, some gay pride, some babies, some love, some silly pictures, and everything looked great.

Was this another Facebook experiment?

Knowing that Facebook has done experiments on their users before, I have to wonder if this wasn’t some fucked up Facebook experiment. Things like this is why I am starting to steer clear of Facebook.

If this is some Facebook experiment, they are seriously fucked up for doing shit like this to people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and mood disorders. Are they trying to coax people into killing themselves?

I am not suicidal… but let’s say someone was suicidal and they logged onto Facebook for support, looking for something to cheer them up, and give them a reason to live. And let’s pretend that they logged in during a particularly hateful news feed spread like what I experienced.

Who’s to say that isn’t the last straw that pushes them over the edge and makes them actually kill themselves?

As for me?

My mental health is too precious for me. I will go on Facebook a couple times a day but I won’t be on as much. I can’t handle it. If Facebook would quit treating people like lab rats, then I would consider being more active. Until then, I have to protect myself.

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50 Questions: Homelessness is a Goal, Right?

Before I dive into this one, I will try to update with a question a little more often. I’ve been exhausted and trying to make bags to sell which eats into my blogging time. Bare with me. I’ll get there.

#45 on the list is not really a question but I like it.

Set a goal, and a plan on how to get there

My goal? I am going with “Be happily homeless!”

But first… WHY?! Before you lecture me on how that isn’t acceptable as a plan, I have already heard it all. Thank you for your concerns. Without a job, with not being able to get on disability, I am pretty screwed. No one will hire me. Without an income, I have to make plans for the future that don’t include a lot of costs.

Let’s be done with that and move on to something constructive… or productive!

How to get there step 1: How can I make money?

I know, I know! No job. But I still need to be able to buy the basic needs, even if I am homeless. Mild depression, and the thought that I will never get hired for any job, has become a firm reality. I need to do something that I can do from home. Here are my list of things I can do.

  • Blog. I love blogging! Like, stick to it! Even on the bad days.
    • My goal from now on is two days a week. No procrastinating!
    • I would like to work up to three days… but for now, it will be Tuesday and Thursday. Every week!
    • I can post pictures the other days like I have done on occasions. I should probably figure out how to make money from photography.
  • Write. I am thinking of writing books. Cookbooks. Stories. Poetry. Kids’ books.
    • My goal from now on is to write something every day (or at least Sunday through Thursday)! I’ll post my goals met on Facebook or Twitter.
  • Crochet and sew. I am going to make items to sell on Etsy too.
    • My goal from now on… eh, I am working on that. Not sure what my goal should be yet. But I’ll figure it out.
  • YouTube videos. I can make those too. I actually love making videos, I just don’t share them because I am self-conscious.
    • My goal from now on is to post one video a week.
    • I would like to work up tow two a week but this will give me a chance to learn video editing and other video related things.
  • Design shirts or items to sell. (T-shirts, bags, cups, etc) Not sure if I’ll stick with the crazy theme but I like crazy. Me and crazy are good pals! Anyone want to help with designs?
    • My goal for now is to … thinking … working on this plan. It’s still a very new idea. So… keep researching!

I know these things won’t have me rolling in the dough. But any amount of money means that my family has to help me that much less.

I have friends and family helping in the background. Some are in the cheering squad. Some are going to help me get things rolling. I love my friends and family!

I can’t use Google Adsense or Amazon to help with income. So those two are out. I have to make it on my own. This is both terrifying and exciting.

How to get there step 2: Where to park my RV

I have some options here but most of them mean I would have to move from Montana. My goal will always be coming back to Montana if I have to move.

I need to survive though. I am working on this. My hope is that I can stay in Montana, or at least the Northwest. I love the mountains over here.

I love the climate. I can go outside most of the year! I am not stuck inside all the time. Living elsewhere, I would be inside eight to nine months out of the year. I don’t want to do that again.

So this is a difficult one for me. Plus, I have to make sure I move somewhere that allows marijuana (either medical or recreational). So that limits my decision also.

My first thought was if I could find a mobile home park that will let me park there and pay the low rent, I can figure out the rest later.

How to get there step 3: Think positive!

I am not really sure what else I need to do for this. I need to get rid of pretty much EVERYTHING! Frugal living is a must. Simple living is a plus. RV living is making me excited! I am so looking forward to this!

Not every day is a positive day for me though. I have many days where I am just down on myself. I have to remain positive. I have to keep telling myself that this is going to all work out. It always does. I just have to keep my chin up. Nothing is so bad that it can’t be worked through.

How to get there step 4: Everything else

There is a lot I need to figure out.

How am I going to get around if I am not allowed to drive? BIKE! Or living somewhere that has public transportation.

Selling all my stuff. I won’t have to sell ALL of my stuff. Some of it will go to my kids. Some of it it their stuff. But I need to downsize.

Deciding what I need. I NEED shelter, clothes, warmth/cold, and food. But other things will make this so much better. I have to figure out what I can live without. I can live without a microwave and other items I would miss but don’t NEED. But my coffee. I have to have coffee. There is no way around it. I can use a press though.

The need category is a tough on for me. Like, I don’t NEED internet but it is going to be how I make money. So I kind of do. There are quite a few things like that.

I need to plan when I am going to do this. I have help now but I still need to plan for the future. That is so scary. I have never been this low yet so optimistic.

Okay, readers! What am I missing? What else should I add to my list? Let me know in the comments or down below.

50 Questions: The Biggest Lie I Get Away With Every Day

What was that one time you told a huge lie and kinda got away with it?

Can I be real for a minute here? Usually I work hard at not lying. Ask for something factual and I will tell you the answer as factually as I can. Ask for my opinion and you will get it whether you like it or not. I’ve lost friends from this.

I did finally think of a big one I get away with a lot though.

“I’m fine.”

When people ask me how I am doing, I don’t know if it’s social training or what… but I say, “I am fine.”, smile, and ask how they are. I say this even when I am sad, depressed, or having a lot of anxiety.

It’s not that I am intentionally lying. It’s just that saying “I am fine” is so much easier than being honest. Who really wants to hear, “Horrible! I am so stressed from no income, no one will hire me, and I have no idea how I am going to survive with all this pain and the epilepsy… and I really miss driving!”

I really don’t think anyone wants to actually hear how I am really doing … but, I also can’t think of a way to say, “Life sucks but I keep slogging along.”

backstab-t-shirt

Mind if a ramble for a minute? Well, I am going to anyway. 

There are days, like the other day, where depression just knocks me down for the count and I find it impossible to do anything. I cry a little every day. It’s not that I need medication, it’s just that I was a lot more excited about life before Dr. Douche reminded me of how little value I have. I STILL have a hard time with that. I mean, if that is how other people see me, how much worth do I really have? Am I really just the crazy person that doesn’t deserve a say so in her life? Is that really how people see me?

Little things like that will send me in depression quickly. I really don’t feel I have much self-worth. I know other people love me and think I am amazing and talented. I do not though. And every time I start to feel like that, some asshole comes along that reminds me how delusional it is to think of myself as anything other than dirt.

I fully understand that this is a form of society ideology that I am imposing on myself. I get that. But after years of being put down and ridiculed for so long, trying to love yourself if very hard. It really doesn’t take much to remind me how low I feel on the totem pole of life. There are all the animal guides that show… then there is me. I am the one under the dirt that no one sees.

This is how I see myself. Why? Because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never get anywhere in life. Because I am so depressed lately that the only thing I get remotely excited about is planning my homelessness. I should really write a post about that.

Every day I am reminded of how hard it is to get anything done because I hurt so bad. Every day I struggle to feel alive. Every day I look at my house and wish I could get up and organize or rearrange just a little and I know I can’t and never will be able to again. Every day, lately, I have cried a little because I either hurt too much or I feel hopeless.

I can’t force myself to feel joy about anything anymore because when I do, I feel pretentious. I almost feel like if I have a good day, someone is going to knock me back in my place.

Even when I am poor, it’s like I have to actively be poorer just to make others happy. Since I am on food stamps (something that kills my soul a little every day) people flip out if I have a cell phone. No matter that I paid for it and my ex keeps it on for me. I should wear rags and sit on the corner with a little tin cup shaking what little change I got from passing strangers. Society views on poverty are truly fucked up.

I almost feel like I would feel better about myself if I was homeless and living in my van. I wouldn’t be asking for anything. I wouldn’t be bothering anyone. I would be able to live off the food stamps I have each month. Or not. I would have to work on that. If I was homeless, I wouldn’t have to worry about rent. I could be self-sufficient so anything I sold that I made would be income, not just throwing it towards things I can’t even begin to afford.

But, I digress. I really do not feel good about who I am anymore. I was doing a lot better before Dr Douche decided to remind me how low I am on the totem pole. Up until he decided to show me what a worthless piece of trash I am, I was actually feeling hopeful.

I know that is delusional thinking. Anytime I start to think positive, I am put down for it. So I do get that. I have had “delusional” hurled at me more than once. I know positive thinking is delusional thinking. I’ve heard it so many times. It drove my ex crazy that I would think positive.

But being depressed all the time sucks too. I don’t know how to balance it out. If I am too positive, I am delusional. If I am firmly based in reality and openly accept it, I am depressed. Where is the happy medium?

Now… do you really want to know how I am? Because I can totally tell you.

23 Days of Not Smoking!

Today is the 23rd day of not smoking. I have to say, I was warned about getting depressed when you quit. I never really thought about it when I quit before, but this time it is hitting me. I think it might have something to do with no income, no hope of income, hungry all the time, trying to make bracelets to sell, and all the other crap I am going through right now. But man, it is hitting me. I will be walking to the store today for some catnip so I can make catnip tea. <— Great tip for depression!

Catnip tea is wonderful for me. I don’t know if anyone else drinks it, but I LOVE IT! It all started some time ago when my kids and I were discussing drugs and drug use. We talked about meth, cocaine, heroine… I can’t remember them all. But we discussed them, their side effects, and looked at pictures of people who did drugs. This was for a homeschooling moment, I think it was partly health and partly culture (but I can’t remember how, it’s been awhile).

When we got to the topic of marijuana, we were talking about Washington state and Colorado legalizing pot use. I told them, since I want to be honest with my children, that I never really understood all the hoopla about pot and why it’s illegal (we’ve researched… leaving politics off my blog!) and I also told them that if it were legal, I would either smoke it or get some of the oils or lotions that help with pain. I would totally go there! I also told them that I don’t smoke it ONLY because it is illegal… no other reason.

I smoked pot when I was 26 for severe migraines. The doctors gave me medicine for them but the medication knocked me out and I could not function. I had two little kids I was raising on my own and I needed to be conscious and able to sort of function. I smoked pot. It worked. One joint smoked and my migraines disappeared for MONTHS! So I didn’t smoke it daily, I smoked it when my migraines hit. I was having them daily before smoking pot. Then I figured out it was soy causing the headaches. I eliminated soy from my diet, no more migraines. No more need for pot either.

We discussed this a long time. My oldest son was curious if there was something that helps like pot and he researched and somehow ended up on a page about catnip. I made some into a tea and was pleasantly surprised at how nice it tasted. Okay, I lied… with enough honey, it tastes pretty good. By itself, not so much. But I was SO HAPPY! I felt great! And so now, I drink catnip tea for depression. It also makes it easier to breathe. I love catnip tea!

And this week, I am getting laundry caught up, dishes sorted through, and my bedroom cleaned. Since Marie moved in, we are sharing a room and I want the place cleaned up! I say that now, but considering I can only clean for about an hour or two a day before I hurt so bad I can’t function anymore, I am probably going to get half that done. I am working on it though. I am working through my pain. I am waiting for disability to figure something out. I am waiting for life to give me a break. I am waiting to win the lottery (it would help if I played)… I am just blah.

I know that spring is coming and I am not looking forward to it. The allergies going crazy, the sun coming out more, the heat coming back. This is not my favorite time of year… at all. I always get depressed this time of year. I am going to go make brownies.

Total Freak Out Day

Today I am totally freaking out. It’s bad when I can’t even think straight. I am so stressed right now with no income. But, I am trying to focus enough to get stuff done. I finished a scarf for myself. I forgot to time myself to see how long it takes to make one. I have an appointment today for the tobacco seminar. I also have a coffee meet with a couple of ladies in town.

I am trying to stay calm but it just isn’t working. I am stressed to the max this week and I have no idea what I am going to do. I am trying to plan ahead but the only thing I can think of is homelessness. It’s a horrible day when homelessness is looking like a viable option again.

My doctor was talking about putting me on medication to help with depression. I don’t need pills. I need income. I don’t want to be medicated. I want an actual plan that will make my life better. Pills cost money anyway. How the hell am I supposed to afford medication when I can’t even afford my electric bill? This is insane.

Wishing It Were All Different

This is my journal for therapy. You know, that journal I am to keep but, I don’t. Why? Probably because I can’t handle going through my past in therapy so I don’t want to deal with looking through it again in a written journal. Yes, that is the lamest excuse ever. I know this. And that is why I started this blog.

A little about me: I am not really crazy. I just have a ton of anxiety issues. They medicate me to make me calmer. I take Clonidine once a day, sometimes twice a day. I am in therapy because back in 2011, my whole world changed. Let’s start just before that though.

In 2008: I left a bad relationship and became homeless with two kids. We lived in a van and a tent on the beach. We finally moved to Montana so I could be closer to my family. After three days here, my ex decided to call my dad. Understand, I wasn’t asking my dad and mom to take sides. I just needed support. They were very supportive, that is, until my ex called them.

I am not sure what he said, and frankly, I don’t care either. But after his conversation with my dad, my relationship with my dad changed. I thought it was just me but other people started pointing it out too. He, and mom, went from supportive to “I just don’t understand why you left him during a mid-life crisis”.

Quick note: Mid life crisis lasts a small while. It has things like buying a new car, wanting to drive your new Harley across country, wanting to explore the world, getting a tattoo, or something along those lines.

It doesn’t last for 12 years and include having a wife, a mistress, and a lover, trying to make your wife think she is crazy by playing mind games or holding a knife to your throat in front of your wife and youngest kid. It doesn’t include trying to get your wife and lover to move in together so you and her and her and your kids and her kids can all be “one big happy family”.  M’kay?

Back to 2008: After that debacle, I did find a job, a very good job! I was making $27,000 a year BY MYSELF! I had new friends. I had family nearby. I had a support network like I have never had before.  That was so different to my married life. Probably because he ran off all of my friends… I was genuinely happy. I don’t think I have ever been that happy, honestly.

In 2009: Life was good. That whole year was just fantabulous! Seriously! I can’t think of a better word. My ex was being an on-again off-again jerk but, I was too happy having a life to give a crap.

After a few months he started complaining that the boys, who were in public school, weren’t learning anything in public school. He berated me and told me it was my fault and I needed to do something about it. I had finally had enough and put my foot down. It was NOT my curriculum. I was NOT homeschooling them anymore. I had talked to the superintendent about my complaints and nothing changed. If he wanted something done about it, HE needed to come complain. I was done with it.

About a month later he called and said he wanted me to homeschool the kids like I was doing before we moved here. Hmmm, odd, but okay. I agreed. The next school year started and the boys were homeschooled and my ex wasn’t such a jerk after that. We started talking in a more civil way and started working together a little better.

In 2010: I swayer (in a southern drawl) that I was sick all of 2010. I ended up going down to visit my ex with my kids and got the scare of my life. There was a mass on my liver. Talk about a heart stopper. Turned out that my liver was just GIGANTIC!

I ended up going back home to Montana and got sicker and sicker. The doctors here wouldn’t listen to me. I was getting sent home from work constantly because I was too weak and sick to do my job. But the doctors here kept telling me it was all in my head.

By mid-2010 I was fed up with the doctors here and drove 500 miles away to a Navy hospital to get some help. Turns out that “all in your head” was this…

  • a VERY large liver, bigger than they said in San Diego
  • Gastritis
  • Duodenitis
  • Mallory-weiss tears in my stomach
  • Adhesions in my esophagus.
  • Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction
  • Biliary Dyskenesia
  • 47 food allergies
  • Gluten-intolerance
  • and a few others. I can’t remember them all.

I went from being told I was going to die, to feeling like a brand new person. I was better, healing, thinner, happier, and back to work. I was going to live! You have no idea how hard it was to write my children letters for after I died because I thought I would be dead in a year.

In 2011: I was working hard, saving money, enjoying life, and generally on top of the world again! My children were also tested for food allergies as well. LeBraun has 37 food allergies and Leeli has 26 food allergies. They were improving in health also. We were all losing weight. Life was good!

Then June 26th happened. I was working in a nursing home. I was working with an unstable woman and she fell backwards. Out of instinct, I caught her. HUGE mistake! I ended up on Work Comp with a protruding disc in my lower back. Those things HURT!

I went to physical therapy and it only made it worse. I ended up making an appointment with the Pain Clinic. During my wait to go to them, I took it easy and went for a walk each day. I used emu oil on my back and slowly, my back started to heal. I was super positive that I would be able to go back to work if my progress kept up.

When I went to the Pain Clinic, they scheduled me for an Epidural Steroid Injection. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but my thoughts were “If it helps, cool!” And that was a huge mistake!

The day of the injection, I didn’t pee for 14 hours because I COULDN’T pee. I had to go to the Emergency Room and get catheterized. My legs were burning like crazy, my skin was hot and flushed, I was having angioedema attacks, my legs were weak and I kept falling… and so much worse! Those were the better symptoms. I ended up learning to catheterize myself so I could pee.

And the entire time, the doctor kept saying “Huh. That’s weird.” Like he had never heard of this happening before. I know better now.

I started going to therapy because the doctors really made me feel like it was all in my head again. Although, in my heart, I knew that it wasn’t. Therapy has really helped me come to terms with myself and my limitations.

In 2012: I went for a second opinion. The doctor was quite honest with me. He told me to find another career, and preferably something I could do at home because I would never be able to work outside my home again. I didn’t believe him at the time. I do now, but at that point, I didn’t want to believe I was disabled permanently.

Lat 2012, I settled with work comp and I got a one lump sum settlement. I survived on that for quite some time. It lasted 1 and 1/2 years. I was surprised it lasted that long.

All of 2013: I worked at trying to find something I could do at home. Blogging or writing seemed to be the two things I do well. I through my whole being into making it as a writer.

I am working on making crocheted items to sell, but my crochet skills aren’t the best. I am working on that though. I also made jewelry but, it seems like everyone wants the Wal-Mart price. No one wants to pay for the time it took me to make anything. It was depressing and slowly, I moved away from trying to get crafty. No one wants to pay $15 for earrings, $35 for a scarf, $50 for a bag… No one can afford that. If I sold it to them at the prices they wanted, I would be making $1 an hour, not counting the material I have to buy to make the items.

I started focusing on writing. My Adsense revenue started going up a little and I was getting hopeful that I could earn a very small wage at doing something I love. It might take a few years to get it to a livable wage, but then I would be able to actually support myself again.

I finally gave in to my limits and filed for disability but I keep getting told that I will be denied a few times and that it is hard to get on disability. But I have to try. I need an income. I can’t survive on nothing forever.

January 2014: I decided to try cleaning houses for a living. Nothing major, light housework. I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t dress myself without help from someone else. I can’t clean my house without help. Some days, I can’t stand long enough to cook myself a meal. Why I thought I could make it as a housekeeper is beyond me.

I could clean for about two hours before I had to quit. I  could barely get back out to the car. One day, I ended up on the floor and was debating if I should call for help or just crawl out to the car because legs just would NOT work with me. I finally got up. But it really made me rethink the whole idea that I could actually work outside my home.

Each day, I was horrible pain. Each day, I would sit in my chair and cry. Each day, I really thought that, when I sat down and my legs would go numb, that one day they wouldn’t come back. I was so afraid of what I had become. An invalid.

I had to skip a day so I could sort of recover. By the time my friend’s mom volunteered to take my place, I finally hung my head in shame and let her. I could not do it. Who was I trying to fool? Everyone who knows me, knows that I can’t do it. My kids were worrying about me. I had no idea why I was even trying so hard. I had put in application after application for jobs too. But, now, I know I won’t be able to work at those places. I can’t even clean a little bit.

So I started focusing, again, on my blogging. I was checking Adsense every day and trying to figure out what I was doing right, what I was doing wrong, and how I could do better. One day, while I was in my Adsense dashboard, it had a suggestion. Change an ad to make it better. I thought, “Well, it’s Adsense telling me to do this. They know what they are talking about! Okay! I will!” And I did.

The next week was wonderful! My Adsense was going up. I was making about $10 a day. The ad that I adjusted was getting 98% of the clicks. Adsense really knew what they were talking about!

Then I got an email from Adsense stating that my account was disabled for “invalid account activity” and I could appeal. They wouldn’t say what the activity was, or what I did wrong. They gave me a link to their policy page.  I went down everything on the page and I couldn’t find anything I did to get my account disabled.

I posted in the forums and a guy answered my question saying I probably already found my answer to what I did wrong, I just didn’t realize it yet. Putting an ad on your blog that could cause accidental clicks is against their policy. When I set the ad to “blend” and not obviously stand out like I had it before, I had set myself up for myself account to be disabled. Because that is against their policy.

It’s the only thing I could think of that caused that. And now, I am angry at Google. VERY angry! So mad, that I took my blog that I had over there for 11 years and moved it to WordPress.

…And now: I have no idea what I am going to do. I don’t know how I am going to make an income, no matter how small.

I really can’t work outside my home. I can barely take care of my needs on a day-to-day basis. I am in pain constantly. I hurt so much. My legs don’t like to work. I have a chair that stands me up so I don’t need help standing up from someone else. I have a walker for when my legs hurt so bad they don’t want to work.

But seriously… I feel like I am living a life of punishment. I can’t have anything good happen to me. Why? I am seriously wondering WHY!? Why can’t I have ONE good break in life? Maybe I already did.

Plan for the future? sure did! I have a van I can live in when my kids turn 18. I will be homeless, but I will be able to have a roof over my head.

And now, I am finally listening to my therapist and keeping a journal. Now everyone can see how crappy my life is instead of just keeping it to myself and trying to stay positive.

At least, if there is anything good to come of all this, my ex is actually being very nice to me. He is helping me pay my bills and making sure we have enough food. If nothing else, I am grateful for that.